Below are but a small sampling of the vows I've made to myself for 2009, guaranteed to be free from the musky odors of blood, sweat, and/or tears.
Think less, speak more.
Where's the fun and excitement that can be had from conversations if I play what I'm about to say in my head before uttering them out loud? Filtering easily misconstrued words and/or flat-out offensive thoughts from sentences I'm about to utter is a form of self-censorship that I, as a red-blooded American, can no longer tolerate. Don't get me wrong - I'm not setting out to be an insensitive ass. I'm just aiming to save valuable time for everyone involved when I congratulate a slightly overweight person for being pregnant before actually checking to make sure said person is female.
Plan
I've written up plans for a couple of woodworking projects, some more-involved blog posts, a road trip across county and some stupid purchases. And now that I'm done planning it all, I don't have to actually try to tackle any of them. Because while "planning" is all the fun, "doing" is three times the work. You know what's better than working? Staring at the walls. I am currently planning on concentrating both on the north wall and the one opposite it with the ugly light fixture. I would change that fixture, but I never planned on doing that.
Slap more random YouTube clips in my Blog instead of writing.
"The Little House on the Prarie" ending, for no good damn reason - other than to add length to the post.
Watching a film or television show is ten times more fun when you have someone around you making note, in real time, of every single error in the finished product. I want to be that "someone" - a walking IMDB "goofs section" if you will. "Her cigarette keeps changing lengths!" "There are no palm tree in Canada." "How can any of these people afford an apartment in NYC when they hardly ever go to work?" "Is it possible an advanced race of alien beings run an operating system on their motherships without proper virus protection?" I really think I can turn this into a business if I work hard enough at it. I can hire myself out for private screenings and succeed where the script supervisor failed. The only problem with this is that I really don't plan to work hard enough at it.
Develop more advanced bodily noises
A hearty belch is always the best compliment one can give to a fine meal. But the melodic burp I came up with that ends on a nice crescendo has been lauded as a "compliment followed by oral sex*". And I don't intend to stop there. Farts will be thought of less as a rude releasing of body gasses and more "performance art piece for the masses" once I'm done. Right now I'm working on the "rocket ship" (push yourself up off the chair as "ass gas" is expelled) and the "oscillating sprinkler" (during a long one, turn the body in a semi-circle and then sputter back to original position.)
*Entertainment Weekly, Nov. 16th, 2007
Play more video games
With the economy the way it is, no one can afford for me not to play video games. So as a civil duty, I shall shirk all responsibilities and relationships to fire up the Wii, PC, Xbox 360, what have you and go to town eradicating whatever menace happens to be menacing the menaced. And when the wall has been impaled with my last controller thrown in frustration, only then can the healing process begin.
Know when to end my posts
Right about... now.
0 comments:
Post a Comment