As Seen in a Body Cavity

If you watch enough TV, then you have no doubt seen the ads for "PediPaws". Using the "you're hurting your animals, monster" angle for selling these electric nail trimmers, the grooming product has managed to break free from the boob tube and onto the shelves of local drug stores.

I picked one up as a Christmas gift for the menagerie that lives with us. While I used to be a fan of torturing defenseless animals with the improper nail-clipping techniques Pedipaws' ad warned about, I decided that was getting old and will concentrate my abuse on the kidneys and maybe some light emotional trauma.

Not unlike any other battery-powered item that some idiot will find a way to misuse for some quick settlement money, the PediPaws comes with a laundry list of warnings. Most of them are pretty standard (e.g. "Do not immerse in water", "Do not use improper batteries", "Do not mistake for deity", etc.). One in particular, however, caught my eye:

Well there goes my plans for New Year's.

One of my many faults is that I'm quiet naive for about ten seconds after hearing or seeing something. Upon reading that, I thought to myself "oh okay - though I never intended to, I won't put in in my mouth (in my mother f-ing mouth)". But then it quickly dawned on me. Ewww....

Mmm... sexy.

I would like to meet the people for whom this warning was written (with an impenetrable partition between us of course). I want to ask them what's so urgent, at the height of passion, that one has to improvise with items around the house clearly not up to the task of being a marital aid. It should go without saying that's it far more advisable to buy "toys" specially designed for such purposes in advance instead of finding yourself in the unenviable position of having to explain to emergency room personnel that a Sony DualShock controller somehow found its way into a very uncomfortable place on your person.

Meanwhile, our animals have nice, rounded-off claws - without the odor that comes from those who don't heed the instruction's "external use only" warning.

If you need help dressing yourself in the morning for no physical reason, you owe it to yourself to check out Lunchtime Dangertime.