My Crap Don't Stink.... At Least Compared to the Work Bathrooms!

Hello future ex-coworkers. By the time you read this, you will have found my website. Good for you! Now I'm not entirely blaming you, but why is it some of you decide to wait until you're at work to move your bowels in the most foulest of fashions?

I am fully aware that bathrooms are not typically known for being a bouquet of scented goodness, but we don't need to be subjected to remnants of the fennel you devour on a daily basis. Considering the average laborer spends approximately 1/3 of a day at work, you're given ample time to fire the torpedoes in your own ocean.

Perhaps I'm being a bit snobby because my bowels are a well-oiled machine that follows my schedule and no one else's. If my ass were a dog, it'd win dog shows based solely on how well it obeys its master. Your ass, on the other hand, is a mutt, pooping when and where it pleases with little regard for the rest of the litter.

Seriously, that bathroom smells like someone's cooking cabbage in the sewer. I've been seriously considering peeing in the potted plants, just so my nose can be spared the bitch-slap your brown babies give it on a daily basis.

I will be leaving your smelly office in two weeks. After my employment is finished, I will be sending you one (1) gross of scented candles and one (1) dozen boxes of matches. If you insist on shitting on company time, please consider putting them to good use.

Thanks!